12 Step Program

In the blink of an eye, time has passed by so fast. I recently looked at the calender and realized that Saturday August 29th marks the 12 year anniversary of my being gainfully employed at Greene's Ale House. And boy, I've not only enjoyed the ride, but also learned a great deal.

One thing I've learned during my time at the bar is how good my hearing can be. I like to refer to this attribute as "bartender's ears". I'm not sure if it's the alcohol talking, or what, but people tend to think that just because I'm not making eye contact with them, I must not be listening. You'd be suprised at some of the gossip I've learned while working. I've heard about people that have gotten "knocked up", as well as some extra marital affairs. In addition, with the amount of educators to pass through the doors, I've heard a lot about inter-office politics in the school district as well. Some of you may be alarmed to hear this, but don't fret, your secrets are safe with me, for the time being anyway. You never know when I might need some extra cash, so if you receive any tapes in the mail with your voices on them, get your checkbooks ready. On 2nd thought, cash is better.

I've also learned that the best way to ensure a lucrative shift is to go out the night before and get hammered. It never fails. When you go to work after a long "session" the previous evening, you are sure to be busy. However, one of the best things that has happened during my stint here is the ban on smoking in bars. Anyone will agree that a hangover sucks, but adding cigarette and cigar smoke to the equation makes it 10x's worse. And I quickly learned that visine and cologne can be your best friends. Blood shot eyes and sweating out beer can be a dead give away that I'd had a long night.

Lastly, I became aware early on in my beer slinging career that the customer is NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, when alcohol is involved. What I say goes. I know the customer might not always agree, but I'm the one who is completely sober. Many of you who are regulars can attest that I can often be seen drinking "iced coffee" out of my coffee mug when I am working. I find that it helps me stay alert and on top of my game. I really frown on mixing alcohol with counting money for anybody that's on company time.

So I'd like to take this time to thank all of you who have made my 1st 12 years at Greene's Ale House an absolute pleasure. Without all of you I wouldn't be where I am today. Hopefully, my next 12 years can be even better.

Lets Go Racin' Boys

As the Summer wanes, yet another time honored tradition in Oswego County will be coming to a close for another year. I'm talking about the Farmer's Market on W. 1st St in Oswego. And with the climax of the market comes the finish line to the Thursday evening "stroller races" down Bridge St.

If you've ever been to Greene's Ale House on the corner of W. 8th and Bridge St.(the home of 20 draft beers and an excellent pub menu) on Thursday evenings in the Summer, you have undoubtedly seen the mass of baby strollers being pushed down to the Farmer's Market. I know, I know, what a shameless plug for the bar but I'm trying to make a living here people.

Every week around 5:30 in the afternoon they line up and "race" to grab their sno-cones and baked goods from the Amish people. Although I choose not to attend, from what I hear it can be kind of a rough crowd down there. There tends to be a strong police presence to deal with unruly teens, many of which are the "pilots" of said strollers.

What kills me about these races is the amount of people who are constantly smoking with all 8 of their kids flocked around their "push carts". I think it must be a prerequisite for teen moms to light up in front of their kids. It's like, why don't you just hook up a hose to an exhaust pipe and stick the other end in their baby bottles. Have some common sense you douchebags.

In fact, I've heard that some schools in Oswego County offer partial credit for home economics class if you get knocked up before senior year. They can even get extra credit if they can prove that at some point during their child's 1st 5 years, the state will have to intervene and stop them from totally wrecking their kid's future.

An example of some stellar parenting was displayed at Greene's on one such afternoon when a family made a pitstop to use the bathroom. One of the little rugrats, who was about 9 years old, was asking me about my job. Did I like what I do, things of that nature. I was thinking wow, this kid might turn out o.k. He's already taking an interest in future employment. So I ask him a simple question.

"What do you wanna do when you grow up little boy?"

His reply: "I wanna do what my Daddy does. Sit on the couch drinking beer all day, and cash the checks the government sends him. And he's real good at it too. The Police stop by at least once a week to talk to him about his job".

Trying not to laugh, I simply wished him luck and they were on their way. Something tells me that kid has a future as a chef, IN PRISON!

Return of the Jedi

I'm pleading with any of you who may be an avid hunter to please travel to Minnesota and purchase a bow hunters license. It is officially "Viking" season. I'll even pay for the license and travel costs. I think I threw up in my mouth when Brett Favre inked his deal with the Purple People Eaters today and returned to the NFL, AGAIN!

I'm sick and tired of this pretty boy "retiring" every year so he doesn't have to go to Spring practices or training camp. Isn't that where he should be from day one in an effort to build some chemistry with his new teammates. Not to mention learning a new playbook. But no. Yet another owner and general manager signed off on bringing this douchebag back out of retirement again.

And have you heard the terms of the deal? Seriously, $10 to 12 million for one year, for a 39 year old quarterback. For pete's sake, what's their next transaction gonna be? I've heard rumors that Yoda's agent has been in contact with the Vikings about playing running back for Minnesota this year. And he's willing to take a $1 million contract, incentive based of course. But at least he's got "The Force" on his side.

Farve is so old, that when he showed up for his 1st practice today he was wearing a purple helmet with giant horns coming out of the sides, and there were yellow braids flowing in the breeze. I'm not a Packers fan. Far from it. But it must be sickening to see him wearing purple and gold. And that roar of laughter coming from New York is undoubtedly all of the Jets fans who went through this circus last year.

So here is my offer. I'm looking for some new decor for the house I purchased earlier this year. I can think of nothing better than mounting this prima donna's helmet with the braids and horns over my mantel. I'm willing to pay a king's ransom. Anyone interested in making some fast cash just contact me at http://ihatebrettfavreandallofhisneverendingbullshit.com.

Strike Up The Banjo

Yet another of Oswego County's finest visited Greene's Ale House for a bite to eat yesterday. I will spare you a physical description of this monster. If you've seen the movie Deliverance, that would be a good jumping off point.

So in comes "Hoss" with his mother. They ask for a menu and take a seat at a booth. They order a haddock sandwich to split because "Mom won't eat much" he says. I place the order ticket in the kitchen and grab two Pepsi's, one with no ice, as requested. When I deliver their refreshments, approximately 1 minute since they ordered, he asks how much longer is that gonna be. For Pete's sake I don't even think the hook was taken out of the fish's mouth yet it was so raw.

"Sorry pal, it's gonna be a couple more minutes. You didn't order the sushi" I sneared.

As I roll my eyes on the way back to the bar, I turn around first so he can't see my frustration. When I get behind the bar, I turn to see he's right behind me.

"Can you put some more ice in this" he inquired.

Yup. You guessed it. It was the Pepsi that had no ice in it to begin with. Apparently it wasn't that cold after all and his teeth could take a cooler beverage. So I topped it off with a few cubes and he appeared to be satisfied, returning to his table. Next up, the restroom.

He gets up from the table after a brief visit with Mama. I can only wonder what his next inquiry is going to be. He walks around the corner and spots "the head".

"Mama! Mama! They got a bathroom over here!!"

I don't know if this was their 1st meal in a public place or they just aren't used to indoor plumbing. Then I feared that he wanted her to come and wipe his ass for him.

So they quickly eat the meal and he asks for the check. I'm thinking, what a guy, he's treating Mom to a nice lunch in the big city. Nope. He walks back to the table and hands her the bill. As she's fumbling for the money he again returns to the bar. What could he possibly want now.

"Who's selling the motor cycle and snowmobile?"

I can only wonder what my face looked like.

"I like to get them for cheap when they're outta season" was his reply to my stare.

Last I checked, isn't this the ideal time for riding a motor cycle in Upstate New York. All I could picture at that point was him riding one of those old mo-peds that you had to pedal to get started. And somewhere in the background I thought I could hear Ned Beatty squeeling like a pig in the woods (watch the movie Deliverance). My only regret is that I didn't ask how much cash his "brother" got for selling his gold teeth last Winter.

School Daze

The days are getting shorter my friends. The sun is rising later and setting earlier. For those of you in the Oswego area, Harborfest has once again come and gone. Although in my opinion there's still some great weather to be had in the Northeast, many of you are starting to see the Summer will be coming to a close soon.

Although I am not wishing the rest of the Summer away, I can begin to look forward to Autumn. I love the Fall season in this area of the country for many reasons. The Buffalo Bills are preparing for another run at a Super Bowl. (Any of you who are snickering can kiss my butt) The Yankees are coming off a pivotal August sweep of the Boston Red Sox and are poised to get back into the post season again, after a much too long absence from October baseball and the World Series. In addition, the visual changes of the season around here are outstanding. But there is one other event that I look forward to as September is knocking on the door. The return of a new school year.

Teachers and children both act like kids in a candy store when the school year comes to a close. I should know. There are a great deal of educators who come to see me at the bar when school lets out to rub it in about how much time they have off. Although I might be a little jealous at first, I must always keep in mind that their "un-ending" vacation is indeed a finite period of time.

Therefore, I ask that each of you who are in the same boat as me and actually work year round, to join me in a little tradition I began about 12 years ago. And those of you that have retired, you may join in too. After all, you've put the time in and deserve to not only have your Summer's off, but the rest of the year of as well, if you choose. So it's on to the annual "Welcome Back to School Celebration".

All you have to do is begin planting the seed in the minds of teachers and students that its time to get back to work. And lets not leave out the bus drivers, coaches and trainers while we're at it. No more lazing around the pool all day, or wasting all of your time on video games. Its time to start going to bed earlier and getting up at the crack of dawn with the roosters!

The best part of this welcoming back committee has to come on the final day of vacation, or the first "school night" if you will. When all of the long faces appear because they know their LAP OF LUXURY IS OVER!! At this time feel free to grab a cooler of refreshments, put the chairs out on the porch or lawn, and commence the heckling. When the kids ride by on their bikes and skateboards yell out:

"LAST DAY. ITS ALL OVER BABY." And wait for their reactions. Some may flip you the bird, and others may shed a tear. But this I promise you, as great as they felt on the last day of the previous school year, we will feel the same joy on the first day of the new academic year.