Go For The Gold!

It's no secret that I am extremely passionate when it comes to sporting events. I love watching Duke beat the piss out of North Carolina in college basketball and the Yankees bitch slapping the Red Sox on the baseball diamond. I'm also quite competitive when I'm on the hard courts playing Men's League Basketball, or diving all over the volley ball pit during the Summer months for the Greene's Ale House co-ed team. Quite often I compete with reckless abandonment, sacrificing my Adonis-like physique for the welfare of my teammates. At times my dedication results in a great deal of cuts and bruises. But hey, no pain, no gain, right? Besides, with the proper amount of alcohol before, during, and after said competitions, I think I manage the pain rather well.

Enough about my many accomplishments. My beef is with NBC's family of networks and the International Olympic Committee for their spotty coverage of the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver. It all began with the very 1st night, before the Opening Ceremonies aired. Was it absolutely necessary to show 21 year old Republic of Georgia luger, Nodar Kumaritashvili, slam into a support beam during practice, resulting in his untimely death. I get that it was a news worthy event, but they didn't need to air it without warning 16 times in a row in slow motion. I would expect that type of gruesome video on YouTube, but not on national television.

The next faux pas that occurred which really chapped my ass took place during the Women's 10K cross country skiing competition. Gold medal favorite Kristin Smigun, of Estonia, took a nasty spill during her qualifying heat. Only the top 30 times moved on to the medal round so it appeared that her hopes were squashed. If you haven't seen the crash, look it up on the Internet. She missed a turn and dropped down a hole about 10 feet. You couldn't even see her as she seemingly fell of the face of the Earth. After she was assisted out of the bunker, the Olympic Committee must have had a moment of weakness. In an unprecedented move, those bleeding heart douche bags let her go back to the starting gate and begin a second qualifying run. Surprise, surprise, the World's #1 ranked skier in this event managed to post a time in the top 30. What really pissed me off was that her time bumped the last legitimate athlete who qualified for the medal run. Talk about favoritism. That would have been just like letting A-Rod bat again during the World Series if he had struck out with the game on the line. Fortunately, he came through for the Bronx Bombers and he legitimately got his "Gold Medal". Little miss Smigun wasn't as successful as A-Rod. It was poetic justice that she only "won" the Silver Medal.

I also understand that with the Olympics there comes a great deal of different sports. I realize some of the events that I enjoy watching might not coincide with the tastes of every other viewer. And NBC can't show all of the events, even though they are showing games on 4 different stations. But I think the networks should show a greater variety of events.

So lets start with curling. I actually love curling, now that I understand how the strategy and scoring works. It might seem like paint drying to some of you, but during the 2006 Games in Torino, Italy, I managed to corner a native Canadian in a local watering hole and demanded that he explain how curling worked, so to speak. But as much as I enjoy curling, I do think it was covered excessively.

I would, however, watch curling 24 hours a day if I never had to be subjected to ice dancing ever again. Ice dancing? Really? What is the friggin' point of that so called sport. Who wants to watch that crap. It's about as exciting as watching C-SPAN, or re-runs of Designing Women, before Delta Burke ballooned to 400 pounds. I can't stand watching figure skating either, but at least there's a pretty good chance that a couple of the competitors could choke under the pressure of the moment and fall. They might even break a bone or bloody their nose and make it interesting.

What I really can't stand about the figure skating is the commentating. I've got a message for former U.S. Olympic figure skater, turned broadcaster, Scott Hamilton:

"Your brother Yoda just called. Luke Skywalker cancelled tonight's dinner party. You don't need to stop at the liquor store on your way home from the rink."

Seriously, how old is that guy. He looks like a 90 year old, bald, troll doll. And that frickin' pip-squeak voice of his when one of those clowns lands a triple axle or toe loop for Christ sakes. Give me a break.

For the most part I am a huge fan of the Olympics. I just think they need to be fine tuned a bit. For starters get rid of the skating. Put a keg of beer at the end of the curling rink. And make the biathlon skier/shooters hunt wild game instead of stationary targets. I think that's just what NBC and the Olympic Committee needs to spice things up for the 2014 Winter Games in Russia. Who knows, as bad as the U.S. Men's Curling team performed in Vancouver, if I start training now, maybe I could be on the next squad. But only if the team has a healthy supply of beer in Russia.