Rabbit Stew Anyone?

Merry Christmas to all. It has been quite a week of celebrating. It began about a week ago at the Greene's Ale House Christmas party. I would venture to guess that any of you who were at this year's annual drunk fest would agree that the 2009 installment was the best one of all time. In an effort to keep friendships with some of the patrons and fellow employees who were in attendance, your names will remain anonymous. I know this may disappoint my readers, but I can't afford any legal fees that I might be faced with.

In a nut shell, it was borderline organized chaos. There were a couple of "Yuletide Romances", dancing on the bar, puking on and in a car, and a very lucky, near miss with regards to an arrest. Just a friendly reminder, when your friend says you can crash on their couch, make sure you have the correct address before you try to "break and enter". You could end up with a free ride to the local police station. Luckily our suspect was released before he was taken in and booked. It was a Christmas miracle. I have no idea how we're gonna top this year's party in 2010, but I'm sure we will try. Hopefully there will be a good rookie class to haze next year.

Anyone who knows me at all could attest that I am an absolute fanatic of the movie A Christmas Story. It is by far my favorite movie of all time, any genre. As I compose this little tale, I'm watching the marathon right now. 24 hours in a row on TBS just isn't enough. I do have the DVD so I can watch it any time of the year. And I have been known to view it in the middle of the Summer. I know, I'm sick, but I can't get enough of watching Ralphie and his crew battle with their bully Scut Farcas. And who can resist the glow of electric sex when the Old Man proudly displays his major award. Of course I'm referring to the famous Leg Lamp. I actually have 2 of said lamps displayed in my dining room year round. And I've been known to quote the movie on occasion too. In addition to my numerous A Christmas Story novelty items strewn around my house, I also own a custom made Pink Bunny Suit, exactly like the one Ralphie's Aunt Clara sent to him for Christmas. It has come in super handy at costume parties.

Now fast forward to Christmas Eve. It seemed very appropriate to don it for this year's Greene's Xmas Eve pajama party. While the few patrons who were wearing conventional pj's at the bar drew a number of looks from incoming customers, they paled in comparison to the stares I received being clad a 6 foot tall rabbit suit. One person in particular stood out when he saw me.

As I was "hopping" home at around 2am on Utica St. I saw some headlights approaching me from a distance. As the vehicle was right upon me I could plainly see that it was Police car coming into view. I just got a feeling that it wasn't going to be the last time I saw that car. I peered over my shoulder and saw the break lights shine, followed by a quick U-turn. Knowing that nobody else was anywhere near me, I burst into laughter at the prospect of being interrogated about my digs.

Sure enough, he pulled right up beside me and bellowed:

"What in the "F" are you doing?"

My response at the decibel of a jet airplane was:

"I'M RALPHIE PARKER FROM A CHRISTMAS STORY!!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!"

I can only imagine him calling that one into the station.

"Front desk, you're never gonna believe this one. I think I must be hallucinating. I think I just passed a 6 foot tall bunny rabbit. Send back-up!"

Fortunately, he found the humor in it. Or at least I can only assume that, based on his roaring laughter when he suggested I head home. Then he was on his way. I'm just glad I didn't have a BB gun with me as part of my get up, or I might have been one dead rabbit, and the boys in blue would have been noshing on rabbit stew for Christmas dinner.

Take 2 And Call Me In The Morning

Christmas is right around the corner. As usual, I've been delinquent with my shopping and have a great deal of work to do before I'm finished. It's not that I don't enjoy giving and receiving presents. I just hate how commercialized Christmas has become.

The whole concept of Black Friday and all of the sales that day are nothing but a recipe for disaster. Who the hell wants to deal with a bunch of imbeciles, scrambling in a mad dash, kicking and punching their way to a new flat screen t.v. I admit, I have felt a bit guilty in the past for doing the kicking and punching, but that old hag had it coming to her. As unethical as my behavior may have been, I got over it very quickly when I saw how much money I'd saved on my brand spankin' new, 32" flat screen Visio. Who could resist a new "boob tube".

So recently I went to Wally World, a.k.a. Wal-Mart. I needed a couple of things around the house. Saline, shampoo, and deodorant topped the list. I figured I might get a little holiday shopping done too. While I was browsing through the contact lens solutions I found myself standing right near the pharmacy. I guess I never realized how entertaining it can be to loiter around in a drugstore and listen to some of the shit show that goes on. We're talkin' small town USA crap like:

"How long until this itching goes away?".

And:

"Are you here for birth control young lady?"

"Nah. Momma sez you can't get pregnant in the ass."

Upon listening to such comments I realized that I'd found a new hobby. If you're ever bored, or just feeling a little blue, feel free to come join me at a pharmacy and we can pose as if we're waiting to pick up a prescription. Imagine the laughter we'd share when some douche bag came up to the pharmacist bitching about a nagging rash. Then we could commence with the heckling.

"YOU GOT CRABS! YOU GOT CRABS!"

Politically correct? No. Entertaining as Hell? Absolutely!

Come to think of it, I never did get any more Christmas shopping done that day.

Turkey Lurkey

Well folks, it's that time of year again. The holiday season is once again upon us. Thanksgiving has passed and Christmas is peeking its head around the corner. Thanksgiving was very special for me this year. I was actually able to celebrate it twice.

The weekend before the actual holiday I traveled up to Northern New Hampshire to spend a Pre-Thanksgiving weekend with one of my best friends Jeff and his girlfriend Erin. Although the 9 hour car rides there and back were a bit taxing, it was an extremely worthwhile trip. I've known Jeff since I was 5 years old and don't get to see him too often anymore, so I was eager to make the voyage. And I did have company on my travels. Jeff's brother Brendan and his girlfriend Nichole accompanied me on the journey.

Although the drive was much longer than I am normally accustomed to, it was rather scenic at times. I must have laughed out loud at least a half dozen times on the way there. When we started to get into the mountains there were signs on the side of the road that said "Beware of moose crossings, 100's killed every year". At 1st I was unsure if they meant 100's of people, or the moose that had met their demise. When we arrived at out destination Erin confirmed that it was the moose that were killed. It sucks to crack your vehicle up, but you get first dibs on the meat if you were the driver. And call it coincidence, but guess what we had for lunch the following day. MOOSE BURGERS!! And boy were they delicious. Jeff grilled them over an open fire in the back yard. If you have the opportunity I highly recommend trying one someday.

The dinner we feasted upon on Saturday was quite delectable. We deep fried the turkey and had the customary sides. After all of our bellies were filled with vittles and booze, we retired to the living room for conversation. Erin suggested we play a board game and we all agreed. And that's when the shenanigans began. We played a spirited game of Cranium, guys vs gals. I'd never played that game before, but from what I remember through a beer induced fog, it was a combination of charades, pictionary, and other trivia. One of the clues the girls had was under the charades category. I don't remember what Erin's mother was trying to act out but she was gesturing with her hand. Now this is where things got interesting.

Nichole started yelling "Hand! Hand! ....... HAND JOB!! HAND JOB!!"

I'm not sure if she got caught up in the moment, or perhaps it was the 4 bottles of wine she had consumed. The roar of laughter from the guys team was deafening. And the looks on Jeff and Erin's Mom's faces was worth the price of admission when Nichole bellowed her guess at the clue.

But the shit show wasn't just limited to our time up North during the holiday week for me. Wait until you hear what went on at my Mom's house on Thanksgiving the following week.

After another stellar, festive meal in less than a week, once again we retired to the living room for some Thanksgiving football and chatter. I was focused on the Packers and Lions game when it dawned on me that everyone was talking about what's going on with Oprah, Regis and Kelly, and the ladies from The View. It was bad enough that my Mother and sister Donna knew what was going on in their worlds. Then I realized Donna's boyfriend and my brother Kevin were actively involved in the conversation! WTF!! I wanted to go turn the oven back on and stick my head inside until their debate about Oprah's relationship with some douche named Stedman was over.

All in all, it was one of the best Thanksgivings I've ever had. There were plenty of friends and family surrounding me for the better part of a week. I gorged myself on delicious food and consumed what seemed like gallons of alcohol. I can only imagine what's in store for Christmas. Stay tuned.......