All Hallows' Eve

As many of you know, Halloween is quickly approaching. The days have grown shorter and there's a brisk chill in the air. Most of the foliage has morphed into a collage of reds, yellows and oranges. Time to get your "trick and/or treat" on folks.

Without going into too much detail about the religious foundations of Halloween, I figured I should at least relay a little bit of its history. All Hallows' Eve, as it was once referred, can be traced to a PAGAN ritual of sinister actions held on October 31st. The purpose was to combat a Christian holiday held the next day on November 1st, titled All Saints Day.

I know it may come as a bit of a shock, but the 31st wasn't always about costumes, candy and decorations. Somehow Western cultures have found a way to capitalize on another commercial holiday. Weird.

Most of the memories I have of Halloween have been pleasant. And why wouldn't they be. What kid wouldn't enjoy dressing up and hoarding boat loads of sweets to be wolfed down for the next week. There were fun parties to attend as well.

When I was in fifth grade, I went trick or treating with one of my classmates, Jimmy S. Boy did we clean up that night. We strolled through the neighborhood in a driving rain storm. The people that were still answering their doors were amazed to see us little troopers battling an epic storm. It was raining so hard that Gilligan and the Minnow wouldn't have even made it to the Island. And what a shame that would have been. That show kicked some serious ass. Anyway, back to the trip down memory lane from my formative years.

We finally arrived back to Jimmy's house, only to get chastised by his parents. And although they were relieved along with my Mom, we got quite the tongue lashing for not having enough sense to come in out of the rain. For the longest time I thought that saying: "Don't you two have enough sense to come in out of the rain?" was invented by Jimmy's father.

Looking back, it was worth it. We collected so much candy I think it would be a crime for two 10 year olds to ingest that much candy today. People were emptying their bowls of candy. They must have wanted to get rid of it so they could close up shop. And Jimmy and I were more than willing to take their goodies off their hands.

As life goes though, not every story has a happy ending. Go back about three or four years earlier on Halloween, and we can all learn a harsh lesson about sibling rivalry. I would never trade being the youngest. Just like an American Express card, membership, or in my case, youth had its privileges. However, on this Halloween night, I plain and simply got SCREWED!!

My older brother Kevin and I were still too young to go trick or treating by ourselves. My Mother was kind enough to bundle us up an trek around the 'hood with us. We grew up in a residential neighborhood in Minetto, NY. It was and still is a great place for a kid to grow up. Our development was shaped in a figure 8, with plenty of homes to beg for loot. However, the upper "ring" of our stomping grounds had yet to be fully paved. And that was where that conniving rat bastard set his plan of theft into action.

After lulling my Mom into a false sense of security, my brother flat out trashed my Halloween. After letting me get candy 1st, at all of the houses, he truly took advantage of the term "trick or treat". He got behind me on the dirt road and blatantly tripped me to the ground, and knocked everything out of my bag.

"I'll help him Mommy" he snickered.

Help my ass. That son-of-a-bitch was scooping up my candy for himself, and replacing mine with ROCKS!! What bothers me the most about his plan of attack is that I didn't think to do it 1st. It wasn't until we returned home that I found a pile of rocks in my stash with like 4 pieces of candy. What a douche.

To the victor went the spoils on that particular evening. He won that battle, but I continue to win the war as adults. Every chance I get, I short change him when he comes to Greene's for lunch, and he doesn't have clue. It's actually become an art form. If I chip away at his $$ a little at a time, one day we might finally be even.

Now I hope you've all learned a life lesson here. It's not wrong to steal if you don't get caught. Unless it's from your little brother. We don't forget easy and tend to get revenge.

Jagerbombs Anyone?

For starters, violence in our schools is no laughing matter. Many of you who live in the Oswego area are probably aware by now, of the recent bomb threats at the Middle School and High School. Without going into great detail, there were virtually simultaneous bomb scares at both schools this week. Consult the local "fish wrap", otherwise known as The Palladium Times for the related scoop.

The news of these threats were a reminder to me of my formative years at Oswego High School. When I was a Junior, we too had a bomb scare during school. While sitting in typing class a voice came on the loud speaker and said:

"Would Mr. Thompson please report to the main office."

No big deal, right? So the principal wanted to talk to some dink named Mr. Thompson. Chances are he went out to lunch and tied one on, getting him in hot water with the boss. Nobody had ever even heard of a Mr. Thompson before, except for the teacher. She looked up at us with a stunned look on her mug and exclaimed:

"Mr. Thompson? MR. THOMPSON!! That's the code word for teachers, to let us know there's a bomb in the building, without alarming you kids!!"

Well, I guess she dropped the ball on that one and let the cat out of the bag. Sure enough, it was a bomb threat, as 3 minutes later the same voice came on the loud speaker and said to remain in your classroom when the bell rang. In the end, there was no harm done to anyone.

Now fast forward to the present. Working at Greene's has rewarded me with a great deal of educators patronizing this establishment. And it's not just the financial benefits of their attendance which delights me. I've become friends with many of them too, so I am able to pick their brains about how the faculty and student populations react to sensitive situations, such as these threats of violence.

What I've gathered is that frustration was the overwhelming emotion among both groups. I know what you're thinking. It's usually just a harmless prank in the end when nobody is actually hurt. WRONG. Anybody who's lived here knows all too well that even in early October, it can be quite unseasonably chilly. Especially when you're stuck out in the cold for over and hour because some douche-bag didn't study for a math test 5th period and wants any easy way out.

I bet you're also thinking, 1/2 of them would rather not be sitting in a boring classroom. (That goes for both students and faculty.) And the other 1/2 are upset that they are missing out on valuable classroom time. That would be the nerds and the dedicated teachers who aren't in it for the paycheck. I can make cases for both sides, but ya gotta suck it up and suffer through the cold for an hour if it gets you out of school.

What about after school activities? Once again, it goes both ways. All of the derelicts carousing the halls all day long, who had after school detention, were off the hook for a day. That just allows them to smoke their "cigs" an hour earlier. The ones who suffer are the athletes who have games and practices postponed, and the dorks who stay after school to "brown nose" and work on extra credit.

If the athletes and "brown nose-rs" would team up, I could offer a solution. Have the quiet kids keep their ears open and find out which one of the burnouts called in the threats. Then they could simply turn that information over to the jocks and they could kick their asses all over campus. Even if they beat up the wrong person, who cares. At least the message would be sent. These threats are nothing more than foolishness. DON'T DO IT AGAIN!!

Through this method I believe the children could come together and foster a nourishing environment, both academically and socially.

Hockey Night In Canada

Ahhhh. The scent of Autumn is in the air. With that comes the revival of hockey season. And once again eternal optimism returns for fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs. Although my beloved Leafs dropped a tough home opener to the hated Montreal Canadiens last nite, I realize it's a long season and there's a lot of hockey left to be played.

As I reached into the closet yesterday to dress for work I saw my Maple Leafs jersey hanging right in front of me. I think I even heard the Canadian anthem in the background as I plucked the shirt off the hanger. I considered lacing up the skates for work but realized that probably wasn't too practical. I thought of going with in-line skates but that could have been dangerous as well.

Around 3pm I looked at the clock and thought just a few more hours until the puck drops. In walked a couple of college students to get some grub and spirits. One young lady commented on my wears:

"Nice jersey!" she exclaimed. "Are you a Leafs fan?"

Of course I am. What a dip-shit. If I wasn't a Toronto fan why would I subject myself to the scrutiny of their recent misfortunes. They've missed the post season the last 6 years. One of those seasons was lost to an owner's lock-out of the players, so it's actually only five straight seasons. Not that it makes much of a difference.

Anyways, what came out of her mouth next still has my mind boggled.

"You must be one of those bandwagon Leafs fans" she chirped. And she snarled it in a slutty valley girl voice.

Really? Is that even possible? Isn't a bandwagon fan someone who roots for a team that's had a great deal of recent success? I suppose winning their last Stanley Cup in 1967 constitutes recent achievement. And that was 8 years before I was born! I know what you're all thinking. How could someone in great shape and as good looking as me possibly be creeping in on the age of 34. Actually I get that all the time. You have to get used to being gawked at all the time by the "shorties". It's just a part of my life that I have to deal with.

Anyway, getting back to the bandwagon crap. Although Toronto hasn't won a title in over 40+ seasons, it's not like I haven't witnessed any success. They've made it to the conference finals 5 times in my lifetime, 1978,'93,'94,'99, and 2002. I hardly think a bandwagon fan could rattle off those dates without having to look them up.

But enough about the Leafs, and back to bashing this obnoxious bitch at the bar. After bragging about how huge her $22 bar tab was the night before, she stated that she would not be drinking alcohol with her meal. I couldn't have cared less. I just wanted her to shut up for Christ sakes. After I ID'd her companion for his White Russian she too just had to have a drink. I asked for her proof and she was like:

(Again, in a valley girl tone) "Really? Wow that makes me feel so good to still be getting ID'd."

Now I was thinking maybe I misjudged her age. Nope. She turned 21 in APRIL OF THIS YEAR! So after not shutting her mouth for the entire hour they were here, they asked for their bill. It came to $21.08. They passed me 22 bucks. Normally I would give the benefit of the doubt and give back a dollar instead of the exact change. Not this time though, I just had a feeling about these two yokels. I set the $.92 on the counter and as I walked away I could hear her friend push the change forward as it rattled on the bar. It was like finger nails on a chalk board.

He then asked for a cup of coffee because he had to work that night. So naturally I made a fresh pot of decaf without telling him. As I asked for the dollar and a quarter to cover the cost he looked at me like I had horns. How dare I charge him for a measly cup of joe. And what does he do? He grabbed a dollar from his wallet and the quarters from my tip! Upon exit I was down to a $.17 tip! What a couple of giant bags of douche.

Now all of you know I'm not in this job for the money. And I am compensated very well for the most part. I'm all about customer service with a smile. But I do have a mortgage to pay.

Wanna know the worst part? I later found out that both of them are employed in the service industry. They work for tips too. What a couple of clowns. I hope they both get the swine flu.