Center Court at Wimbledon

Picture it. Center Court, Wimbledon. A 33 year old former high school tennis star comes out of retirement to play an epic match. OK, so the match actually took place at the courts at Oswego High School. But you get the picture.

I start off slow, dropping the 1st game of the match. But once I worked up a little sweat, I begin to find a rhythm. My serves start to find their way in on a consistent basis. Before I knew it, I took the set 6-3. A small crowd began to form.

As we get into the 2nd set, the trash talking is at full force. When my worthy oppponent Brendan challenged me a couple of days prior, there was quite a bit of smack talk. But once the match was underway, there were no holds barred. By now I started to take control. You would have thought I was Roger Federer or Andy Roddick out there.

"You want me to take a little pace off those serves you sissy? I snarled.

"Just serve the damn ball you douchebag" was all he could muster.


I cruised to a 6-0 victory in the 2nd set. By now the crowd had tripled. As I walked to grab a drink of water my fans began to chant "BOOZER, BOOZER, BOOZER". I think they got into my head a little bit because I somehow let the 3rd set get away. I have to admit a little bit of fatigue began to set in. The serves started to get away. I must have felt a little sympathy as I dropped the 3rd 7-6 in a tiebreaker 10 points to 8. I think Brendan even thought I was really trying in that set, but I just wanted to encourage him to keep playing. My only regret is that I was too good of a sport and gave him a bandaid for his blistering hand.

As we break before the start of the 4th set I stopped to sign a few autographs for the fans. What can I say, I think its important to keep the masses happy, as if my play on the court wasn't treat enough for them. And while I'm signing away I catch a whiff of smoke.

Sniff, sniff. I look over and see Brendan taking a smoke break. Seriously? Who the hell smokes during a tennis match. By now I know in the back of my mind I've got him right where I want him. Although he gave a spirited effort in the 4th, I began to pull away. After a legendary game that went to 8 deuces, I finally break his serve to take 5-2 lead. By now the crowd is in an absolute frenzy. Smelling victory I press on in an effort to close him out once and for all. I could see the finish line and my world ranking was sure to skyrocket.

And then it happened. As I blister another serve he somehow gets a racket on it and we begin to rally. Then the friggin lights went out. WTF!!! Victory was snatched from me. I guess all good things do come to those who wait. If only that bastard didn't take the cigarette break I could have completed my dramatic comeback.

Eat your heart out Johnny McEnroe, I'm back and better than ever.