Shot Heard 'Round the World

Well I found out why you are required to have homeowner's insurance a couple of nights ago. I've been in the new pad for 3 weeks and just avoided getting sued by the hair on my chinny chin chin.

So Monday night I get home and decide to cut the lawn. Although it's been cut twice already by a lawn service my friend owns, this was the maiden voyage with my brand spanking new ,fire engine red lawn mower. At first things are going well. The "grass chopper" is purring like a kitten. The land on my estate is starting to look so good that I considered cutting the Yankees logo into the side yard.

As I'm cutting out by the curb the mower bottoms-out and I begin to think I hit a boulder that must be sticking out in the ground. I'm surprised nobody called the cops to report a shotgun being fired in the neighborhood. The rock seized up the engine right then and there. So I back up and look under the deck of the mower to check to see what might be left of the blades. They seem to be intact so I give the cord another try. The engine fired up and the blades sound like a machine gun, not to mention the thick cloud of smoke pouring out the side. I haven't seen smoke like that since my days in the dorms at Potsdam.

Recognizing that I'm incredibly mechanically challenged, I do the walk of shame and drag the mower back to the shed. I know there had to have been an audience forming from all of the neighbor's windows. There's no way I'm gonna be able to fix it so why subject myself to any further embarrassment of looking like I know what I'm doing with tools.

Well, the next morning I realize it's time to bite the bullet. I put my tail between my legs and call my old man to see if he can come fix it.

"Is that the 1st time you've used that brand new mower?" he inquired

"Yup, it lasted about 7 or 8 minutes before I destroyed it" was all I could muster.

"Well, I can stop down today and see if I can salvage anything" he replied. But at least he reaffirmed that all of the smoke was from tipping the mower over to see what was left underneath. When it was tipped the carburator was flooded and it had to burn off the fuel. What a relief.

It turns out that the guard was bent on the deck so that's what the blades were vibrating against. It was a quick fix and no harm was done. It would have been nice if he had finished the lawn but I was grateful none the less.

So that brings us to today and the real gem of this tale. I get up this morning to go out and finish the rest of the job. As I'm right back to the same spot where I hit the rock I see a neighbor out of the corner of my eye. I stop the mower and introduce myself. As I reach out to shake his hand he hands me a couple of golf ball sized rocks with red paint. And the paint just happened to match my mower.

"Oh my god, I had no idea that I flung those rocks down the street". At that point I could feel my face turning a similar shade of red. He had a ring side seat for the one man shit show I was performing in. He said he heard the POW and saw the rocks come shooting down the road. And he lives over 100 yards away! Thank goodness there weren't any of the neighborhood kids riding their bikes in front of his house like they usually are. Not to mention I didn't hit any parked cars.

What a great way to introduce myself to the neighborhood. Everyone must have been thinking 'who the hell is this goofball.' I think my next endeavor to impress everyone will be to hang an engine from a tree and restore a classic hot rod. That ought to raise a few more eyebrows.

Stairway to Heaven

So many of you know I put my big boy pants on recently and made an adult decision. I purchased my first house and moved in almost 2 weeks ago. When I looked at the house there was one feature in particular that caught my eye. It wasn't the size, color, location, or condition. Although each of those were important factors, the major selling point was the stairs leading to the second floor. They had CARPET!

I realize that might sound a bit strange because any house that I decided on buying, I could have just put the carpet in myself. However, my history of navigating staircases in the past has been less than stellar. This place was ready for me to move in. Allow me to share why this feature will be crucial to my survival.

Years ago, following an afternoon of adult beverages at a local watering hole, I returned home. As I went upstairs to retrieve some money to pay for my dinner, I somehow lost my balance on the top step and tumbled to the bottom of the staircase. With my feet resting on the fourth step and my torso all the way at the bottom, my housemate comes running around the corner to find out what all the racket was coming from upstairs.

"Are you alright? Do you need help getting up? he questioned with a smirk on his face.

"Uh... No, I'm just gonna stay here for a couple of minutes" was all I could manage.

I think I may have even snuck in a little nap as we waited for our subs. But let me tell ya, I wasn't doing so good the next morning when I had to go to work. I had rug burns on my arms and legs. I might have even had a crack in my collar bone. When I reached up to grab a mug that was hanging at the bar where I work ,I dropped right to the floor in agony. It would be months before I could reach above my head without buckling in pain. Not to mention, it really put a hitch in my golf game that Summer. But at least the stairs had carpeting, so I slid most of the way down.

Now fast forward to this past New Year's Eve. I got out of work at 4 and had a few drinks. Not nearly enough to get me drunk and fall. Or so I thought. So I go home with a slight buzz and call Canale's for dinner. If you have the means, I highly recommend trying their Chicken ala Cacciatore. It really is to die for. But I digress.

So as I'm waiting for the delivery, I figure I might as well go out and shovel. It's good exercise and a chance to keep me in shape for city league basketball. Gotta give my best for the team. Go Fightin' Gargoyles!!

So I get done with the driveway and sidewalks and accidentally tracked in a bunch of snow into the house. Unfortunately for me my cheap ass land lord didn't have carpeted stairs to soak up the moisture. Sorry Seth, but it's true. You could of prevented major injury with carpeted stairs.

So the food gets there and as I'm running down the steps I hit the snow and go tumbling down the stairs. I must have did two and a half flips on the way down. Fortunately the door at the bottom broke my fall.

"Are you o.k. in there sir?" I hear the driver shout through the door. Seriously, did he have to bruise my ego even more and call me sir. It's not like I broke my hip or something.

So I reach up and unlock the deadbolt and my body falls onto the outdoor steps.

"I'm fine. Just gimme the damn food" I bellowed. "And is there any way we can keep this our little secret? There's an extra tip in it for you"

Looking back, if I was him I would have told everybody. That's just something you can't make up. So all of you on the Canale's staff that night, I admit it. It was definitely me who took that hilarious fall. And boy was I sore for a few weeks. I had bruises that changed into just about every color you can imagine. But, I learned my lesson and haven't taken a spill since.

Now you see why carpeting on the stairs was a major selling point in buying my house. I've found over the years that it pads the fall just enough to cut down on the bruising. The house is great now that I've unpacked and I do love the neighborhood. I guess all that's left for me to do is knock some chick up and get married, then get divorced so I can get a head start on my 2nd marriage. I can see it playing out like this.

"Sorry honey, I'm gonna have to get rid of you. I'm happy, but statistically speaking this is probably gonna end soon anyways." And then I can live happily ever after in my very own house with carpeted stairs.