Sharp Stick In The Eye

Following another tough loss for the Buffalo Bills this weekend, I'm not sure who is gonna blow up 1st. Terrell Owens in Buffalo with the media, or myself having to listen about the "2nd coming of Christ" in Minnesota. Of course I'm referring to Brett "Frickin" Favre and his lucky pitch into the back of the endzone against the San Francisco 49ers this past Sunday. I thought I got my frustration with Pack-Man out earlier this year, but it has started all over again.

Monday morning was an ESPN love-fest for this dink. Forget that Vikings receiver Greg Lewis made an amazing toe-tapping dance in the back of the endzone to save the game with 2 seconds left, but Favre just chucked the ball in desperation. I realize I am a little biased in my opinion with regard to "Brett the Great". The catch wouldn't have been possible without his pass, but for Pete's sake, give it a rest. I was even disappointed to hear that the coronation was going on the radio waves as well. My favorite sports radio program, hosted by Dan Patrick, was blowing Favre as too.

On my way to work on Monday I stopped at Pathfinder bank to get change for the bar. Upon exiting the building I ran into Green Bay Super Fan John B. I was convinced by the end of our conversation that he had crossed over to the dark side and was a Vikings fan now. Deep down I know he is still a Packers fan because I went through the same thing with him last year when his 2nd favorite team was the New York "Brett's".

After listening to how wonderful Favre was all day long, what really set me off was a ridiculous comment on ESPN's NFL Live show. In my rage I forgot which analyst said it, I think it was former quarterback Trent Dilfer who said:

"That play was the greatest moment in Brett Favre's career."

Really? Talk about being a prisoner of the moment. I understand it's fresh in everyone's mind, but PLEASE!! Favre did win a Super Bowl with the Packers over the Patriots following the 1996 season. Isn't that a little more of a milestone than winning a game in week 3 of the regular season.

The real news this weekend should have been the Detroit Lions winning their 1st game since December of 2007. They upset the Redskins to snap a 19 game losing streak. And by the way, during the Lions run of futility the last couple of years, "Brett the Great" has played for 3 teams, as well as retired not once, but TWICE!

Hey Brett, everyone is tired of your holier than thou persona. Go back to the farm in Mississippi and make another friggin' commercial for Wrangler dungarees. Excuse me while I pour wax in my ears and poke my eyes out with a sharp stick so I won't have to see or hear about you anymore.

Monkey Suit

Allow me to set the scene for this entertaining tale. It was centered around a wake that I recently attended. I just want to be upfront and state that I'm not making light of someone's personal loss. It's just that sometimes I can't believe how stupid some people can be. And I'd also like to take this opportunity to pay my respects to my good friend Dave and his family for the loss of his father. R.I.P. Don H.

Alright, back to the rant. So last week a friend was meeting me at Greene's to pick me up after work, so we could travel to Baldwinsville, NY to attend a wake. Obviously he was dressed up a bit. A customary shirt and tie. He left the coat in the car. Nonetheless, he wouldn't normally wear such attire to the bar for no reason. Enter the first ass clown of the night.

"Who died?" he asked, no doubt in reference to my pal's dressy wears. He must have thought he was being funny because he said it with a wry smile. Of course the reply was that our friend's Dad had passed away.

Insert foot! In fact, I even thought I heard a little dialogue between this douche's mouth and foot. It went a little something like this:

"Mouth, this is your foot. Foot, this is your mouth. Well it's nice to meet you".(ASS)

We attended the wake. It's not the circumstances you'd like to see these people under, but it was nice to visit with a few that I hadn't seen in a while. When we exited the funeral home, for some strange reason an enourmous thirst began to overcome us. Not being familiar with the area, we began a trek to find a local watering hole. We stumbled upon a nice place near the water so we agreed that this joint would be satisfactory. I believe the name of the place was Lock 24 or something or other. And if you have the means and are in that area, I highly suggest the over stuffed mushroom caps. The were quite delectible.

As we took a couple of stools at the bar I quickly saw that they had a regional beer called Saranac Black Forest. It's a very smooth, Porter style brew. Upon my request, the lovely bar maid complimented me on my choice.

"You must know your beers." she stated. I nodded in concurrence. "Then you must be old enough to drink too?" she alluded. As I pawed for my wallet she said I was ok, but I already had my ID in hand. So she decided to take a gander at it anyway, since it was already out.

"How old do you think I am?" I inquired as I pulled my license away. She took a good glance. I guess I kinda would be classified as "eye candy". Then she looked at the MUCH, MUCH OLDER friend to my left and assumed he was my father. I don't think I mentioned yet that I was sitting next to Rich Murney. Sorry, I just had to throw you under the bus there big guy.

"24?" she guessed with great confidence. I then handed over my ID with a proud smile. After all, I was born in November of '75. Do the math people. Suprisingly, I'm nearly ten years older than she thought. I believe her response was "No fuckin' way!!"

We finished up our beverages and vittles and returned to Oswego. After a quick stop at the Oswego Country Club's bar for a "pop" at the 19th hole, we then ventured down the road to Thirsty's bar. Afterwards, I made my way to Spencer's Ali before stopping back to Greene's. I know that sounds like quite a drinking session, but it made sense to stop at Greene's. In my defense, it's on the way home.

Now admittedly, I am kind of a t-shirt and shorts type of guy for the most part. So of course I looked a bit out of place in a shirt and tie. (And before you ask, yes, I tied it myself.) Many of the patrons at these establishments were of course inquiring about my "digs".

"Lets see, Thursday night, and I'm dressed up? I went to a wake tonite you morons. Ya think I got all gussied up for the farmer's market?"

And then someone had to be an idiot and ask "How was the wake?"

"It was a real humdinger. We were having such a great time, WE CLOSED THE FRICKIN' PLACE!!"

Really people, it's usually a good idea to think before you speak sometimes. I learned a very long time ago, from working in a bar, that if you see someone dressed up, and they never wear "stuff" like that, there's probably two explanations. They've either got a wedding to go to, or they have gone to a wake or funeral. And when it's a weekday, that's usually a pretty good indication that its the latter.

Super Bowl Shuffle

For starters, I am a die-hard, life long fan of the Buffalo Bills. I realize that first sentence is already making some of you laugh, or maybe just smile a bit. If that is the case it's probably because you are a Bills fan as well. Or maybe you enjoy watching your friends endure the mental torment that we suffer through every Fall when the NFL returns to punish Buffalo Nation. Said pain was inflicted with a great deal of passion & fury again with the onset of the 2009 season. September 14, 2009 will be yet another day that will go down in history as a dark day in Western New York, as well as the surrounding areas in the Bills viewing market.

For any of you who watch football and don't know by now, the Bills let another lead slip away in the waning seconds of game 1 vs the hated division rival New England Patriots. Forget that they went into the game having lost 11 straight to the Pats, and I believe 16 of the last 17 games vs New England, this loss especially hurt because the Bills had a 24-13 lead on the road, with five and a half minutes left on the clock. I think I may have been the only person at Thirsty's bar that wasn't chanting "Its All Over" with five to play. I should have known right then and there that impending doom was on the horizon.

Tom "Friggin'" Brady just had to pull his usual late game heroics and throw 2 touchdown passes in the last 3 minutes. Of course it didn't help that the Bills kick returner, Leodis McKelvin, had a complete brain fart and forgot to secure the ball on a kick-off after Brady's 1st touchdown. Buffalo had the damn lead! They didn't need the four extra yards he tried to gain, with five hungry tacklers grabbing for the ball. And much to the despair for all of us fans, out popped the ball. You could audibly hear the gasps as McKelvin put the "pill" on the carpet, leading to the Pats eventual game winning touchdown.

Now I'm not a religious guy at all, but all I could do was look up to the sky and mutter: "What is this, sarcasm?"

Believe it or not, the pain isn't just isolated to the four Super Bowl losses in the 1990's. Although it was tough to watch those crushing defeats, those seasons were actually a great deal of fun. They might not have won the "Big One", but the Bills were an excellent team back then. All of the Hall-of-Famers that have been getting inducted in recent years are proof of that.

The gut wrenching frustration from the most recent loss to the Patriots was just another reminder of a victory being snatched away. It brought back the memories of the "Music City Miracle", when the Tennessee Titans returned a kick-off with 20 seconds to go to knock the Bills out of the playoffs. Incidentally, that was the last playoff appearance for Buffalo. Yup. It's been 10 friggin' years since a once proud Bills franchise has been in the post season. And after last years 5-1 start, which also ended in a disappointing 7-9 record, Bills fans again can't help but feel pessimistic about the '09 season.

The Law of Averages states that this trend has to reverse itself at some point, doesn't it? If not, I guess I'll just have to rely on my current weekend diet of Pabst Blue Ribbon and vodka to get me through the Winter.

The old saying in the sports world claims that "No-one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills!!" That may have been true at one point in time. I just hope there's plenty of water in Western New York to put out the fire that began smoldering in Buffalo after their week 1 loss. I hate to say it but, there's always next year. But don't worry about me and my fellow Bills fans. We'll congregate again this weekend with the same pessimism and enthusiasm as we always do. Hopefully the hangover on Monday will be more tollerable than this week's.

I guess that's enough venting on my part. I actually feel better already. PBR me ASAP and GO BILLS!

Givin' It The Old College Try

SUNY Oswego is back in session for another academic year. With that comes a boost for local businesses, a noticeable increase in traffic, as well as some excellent scenery around town. Of course I'm talkin' about the "shorties". It's always nice here in the Fall before the weather begins to turn because there's usually an abundance of scantily clad co-eds,with their tight shorts and minuscule tops, walking and jogging around the city.


With the onset of a new school year, I've found myself looking back on my college years. And believe me, I put in some time during my SUNY tour. Not one, but 2 stops at Potsdam College and then I wound up at Oswego State. I learned a great deal while I attended college. Although, I never did locate the library at Potsdam. People who attended school there before and after I did swear there was one. I know there was a library at Oswego though. I spent many hours sleeping there between classes.


Let's get back to the plethora of knowledge I acquired living in the dorms at Potsdam. I'm referring to the tom foolery, shenanigans, and hi-jinx I learned in Bowman South, the best place to reside on campus. Although some of these gags may seem cruel, I'm sure many of you will agree that they are hilarious pranks. There are too many to tell about all of them, so I shall share just a couple. So ladies and gentlemen, grab a pen and paper and jot these down. Welcome to Professor Boozer's "The Art of the Practical Joke 101". Class is officially in session.

Lesson 1. Cricket tag. Wanna get back at your buddies for waking you up at the crack of dawn? I just happen to have a cheap, simple solution to ruin your friend's ability to get a good nights rest. Go to a bait shop, or if you're really ambitious, catch a couple of crickets on your own. When they aren't paying attention, slip into their dorm room and release the crickets in an inconspicuous place. When they turn off the lights to go to bed they will be serenaded 'til the first of the morning light. Childish? Yes. Full of fun and revenge? Absolutely.

Lesson 2. The Tidal Wave. This could result in getting your ass kicked, so don't get caught with this one. Got a friend who used up all of the hot water before you got in the shower? Well here's a great way to get back at them. It's the lost art of the 'Tidal Wave'. When your "enemies" have retired for the evening, grab the biggest garbage can you can find. Fill it as close to the top as you can and lean it up against their door. When they wake in the morning to start their day they will be in store for a great suprise. Upon opening the door they will be doused with gallons of water rushing into their dorm room. In order to attain some damage control you might consider moving any electronics that might be in the path of the wave. But be careful not to move anything too obvious and tip off your victim. Risky? Yes. Necessary? Again, absolutely.

Lessons 1 and 2 are in the books. So your assignment is to practice one of these pranks. I'd suggest starting with Cricket Tag and working your way up. It's just a chance to gauge the amount of anger and revenge your victims will unleash on you should you be found responsible. Now get to work kids. Class is dismissed.

Where's The Beef?

I was watching News 10 Now a short time ago and apparently it was Beef Day at the New York State Fair in Syracuse. I wasn't even aware that such an event took place at the Fair, but you can probably imagine my disappointment that I was unable to attend. Although, I guess the void will have to be filled with the memory of paying a whole dollar a couple years ago, at the very same festival, to view the 1600 pound Yorkshire pig name Norm. This pig was 8 feet long! However, the best part of visiting with Norm was the elderly couple that was in line in front of us. The woman says to her husband:

"Honey, do you think it's a male or female?"

Which of course was my cue to but into their conversation and reply for him:

"Lady, judging by the size of his 'coin purse', I'm gonna go with a male".

Which if you've ever seen these giant hogs at the Fair, you would agree that their balls are friggin' huge!! His sack had to be at least the size of a basketball. Her reaction after she turned around to look at me was priceless. After gazing at the smart-ass behind her she immediately looked back at Norm and let out a shriek.

"Oh my god!!" was all she could blurt out, as she grabbed gramps by the wing and ran out of the tent. When we came out of the exhibit laughing our asses off, the rest of our party that wouldn't part with a dollar to see him just looked at me and said what did you do to that old woman.

Anyway, back to Beef Day.

So when I saw the story on the news about bovine day at the Fair, I was reminded of another tale about about the cows coming home. Well, sort of. Across the street from my Dad and Step-Mom live a group of cattle. One afternoon there was a jail break by one of these mad cows and it was running around the neighborhood. My old man's wife Donna spotted the runaway and decided to intervene. She got a group of neighbors to help form a posse to get the animal back behind the fence across the way. They decided to form a half circle and "push" the cow back over with the rest of the herd. I'm not sure how long it took, but none the less it was a job 'well done' (pun intended) and they got her home.

It didn't take long for word to spread around the 'hood about what had happened. The owners were quite thankful that their little pet had been returned safely. They quickly learned who had organized the rescue and couldn't wait to give thanks in person. A short bit of time passed and the woman who owned the cow spotted Donna outside and ran across the street. After a quick embrace, they exchanged pleasantries and the woman was on her way. And this is where it got interesting. The owner turned around and said:

"Oh, where are my manners. To show our appreciation we would love to have you over for a steak bake in the fall when our prized cow is ready for slaughter".

That was all Donna needed to hear. The "water works" began almost as soon as the woman was out of sight. It was at this point, through a plethora of tears, that poor Donna realized she was, in fact, responsible for MURDER!! The whole time she thought she was saving the cow's life. When in actuality, she directly lead to its demise.

I probably won't be invited back to their house for Christmas this year after she reads this. But come on people, this is hilarious. I was actually thinking about delaying this post until the Holidays have gone by, but I just couldn't resist. It may cost me a gift on December 25th, but I'll just have to live with it.

So what have we all learned from Beef Day? New York State produces over 236 million pounds of meat a year. In addition, it doesn't always pay to do what you perceive to be a good deed all of the time. So pick you spots for charitible work well. And is it just me, or does a nice medium-rare veal shank sound ideal for dinner tonite.