Center Court at Wimbledon

Picture it. Center Court, Wimbledon. A 33 year old former high school tennis star comes out of retirement to play an epic match. OK, so the match actually took place at the courts at Oswego High School. But you get the picture.

I start off slow, dropping the 1st game of the match. But once I worked up a little sweat, I begin to find a rhythm. My serves start to find their way in on a consistent basis. Before I knew it, I took the set 6-3. A small crowd began to form.

As we get into the 2nd set, the trash talking is at full force. When my worthy oppponent Brendan challenged me a couple of days prior, there was quite a bit of smack talk. But once the match was underway, there were no holds barred. By now I started to take control. You would have thought I was Roger Federer or Andy Roddick out there.

"You want me to take a little pace off those serves you sissy? I snarled.

"Just serve the damn ball you douchebag" was all he could muster.


I cruised to a 6-0 victory in the 2nd set. By now the crowd had tripled. As I walked to grab a drink of water my fans began to chant "BOOZER, BOOZER, BOOZER". I think they got into my head a little bit because I somehow let the 3rd set get away. I have to admit a little bit of fatigue began to set in. The serves started to get away. I must have felt a little sympathy as I dropped the 3rd 7-6 in a tiebreaker 10 points to 8. I think Brendan even thought I was really trying in that set, but I just wanted to encourage him to keep playing. My only regret is that I was too good of a sport and gave him a bandaid for his blistering hand.

As we break before the start of the 4th set I stopped to sign a few autographs for the fans. What can I say, I think its important to keep the masses happy, as if my play on the court wasn't treat enough for them. And while I'm signing away I catch a whiff of smoke.

Sniff, sniff. I look over and see Brendan taking a smoke break. Seriously? Who the hell smokes during a tennis match. By now I know in the back of my mind I've got him right where I want him. Although he gave a spirited effort in the 4th, I began to pull away. After a legendary game that went to 8 deuces, I finally break his serve to take 5-2 lead. By now the crowd is in an absolute frenzy. Smelling victory I press on in an effort to close him out once and for all. I could see the finish line and my world ranking was sure to skyrocket.

And then it happened. As I blister another serve he somehow gets a racket on it and we begin to rally. Then the friggin lights went out. WTF!!! Victory was snatched from me. I guess all good things do come to those who wait. If only that bastard didn't take the cigarette break I could have completed my dramatic comeback.

Eat your heart out Johnny McEnroe, I'm back and better than ever.

Crossing the Border

It is with great pleasure, I proudly declare my support for "Home Land Security" (see previous post). There was a tremendous breakthrough at one of my favorite Oswego "watering holes" this weekend. I feel as though an Olive Branch has been tossed my way.

Not only was I not required to show 2+ forms of ID, as I reached for my wallet, the "soldier" at the door actually recognized me and said: "You're all set, go on in".

WOW! I think I even peed a little at 1st.

What a step. It wasn't everyone's "favorite" bouncer, but none the less, it's always cool to be remembered. It makes me feel like a regular. And I don't wanna brag, but I'm a pretty popular guy, so it was a nice boost to my ego.

I must also say John McConnell on guitar and vocals was again, outstanding. Gotta love that tamberine too, right? Cleatus was clutch on drums as well. All in all, it was a great evening.

Now that I've conquered the border at this fine establishment, my next goal is to get my good pal Wink through customs so he can return to Canada again one day. Now that will be quite challenging. Anyone know a good lawyer?

Video Crack

Let me start of by stating that addiction of any kind is no laughing matter. Whether it be drugs like alcohol, smoking cigarettes, or gambling. When something has got a hold of you, bad things can happen. Gambling, in particular, is where I would like to lend a helping hand.

Speaking from experience, I used to have a bit of a gambling problem thanks to the State of New York. Of course I'm talking about the wonderful game Quick Draw, or as I like to refer to it, Video Crack. I used to play a few days a week. Fortunately, I would say I am actually ahead of the State. I know, I know, everybody says they win when they gamble. But I swear, in my case its true. However, in my experience with the customers that come into Greene's, I must be one of the lucky ones.

I had a customer come in recently and drop $420.00 in about an hour. This numb nuts hit the ATM up 3 times to support his habit. I was begining to wonder if his card would freeze up because of suspicious patterns of use. But no, the wonderful people at VISA were more than willing to let him keep taking out loot so he could donate to the education system in New York. And I just love how at the bottom of the ticket next to the NY lottery logo it says "Helping Educate New York's Children Since 1967". Give me a friggin break. If anyone out there can name one person who's benefitted from the NY State lottery scholarship fund I will walk to the State Capitol in Albany and personally thank them on your behalf.

When it was all said and done, he bought 2 Jack and cokes, cashed in his "winnings" for a whopping total of 8 bucks. Now that's an expensive couple of cocktails.

What pisses me off the most about "crack draw" is the people that come in an pull out a $20 and say "I'm just gonna play 'til its gone".

"REALLY? I got a better idea" I usually tell them.

"Since you plan on playing until you lose it all, how about you just give me the $20 and I'll come to the other side of the bar and kick you in the nuts, then we'll call it even".

I believe that would be a very effective way to help someone curb their cravings for gambling. I'm nobody special. Just a concerned American trying to make a difference in the World. Strangely, I've never had any takers on my offer. I can't imagine why.